This is my story.

Tonight we went to supper with David's parents. During the meal we discussed the topic of having children. David's sister has just had her 5th child--a girl, after having had 4 boys. My mother-in-law commented how she has already been asked multiple times "They [meaning my sister and brother-in-law] are done now, right?" Before this my sister-in-law used to get asked, "You have four boys? Wow. Are you going to try for a girl?" Now the tune has changed and people seem to be of the opinion that their family is set; they don't need to have anymore children. Well, I shamefully have a confession to make: I used to think just like those other people. Not about my in-laws, but about MY family. I used to think that WE should decide how many children we have and when we'll have them. I didn't want God's sovereignty over my life in that area. I was always afraid we'd become another Dugger family with 15+ children. As a result God used a major trial in my life to change my attitude.

Lately I've felt a desire or a calling (whatever you want to call it) to share the story of my son Luke and his death. Maybe God wants me to write this so others will read it and see the wisdom of God's design and plan for our lives and the peace that comes from trusting in Him. Maybe you, like I did, want to make your own decisions apart from Him and this will be a good example of a bad example. Or maybe this will be a stepping stone for those who are discussing the topic of "how many children should we have?".

In any event, this is my story. May God be glorified through it.
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Growing up I was never very interested in babies. I'm the youngest of three children so I didn't have any other younger siblings to learn to love and nurture. And even though I did baby-sit as a teenager it was never for little babies. Babies scared me, frankly. I grew into an adult with the mindset I'm never having kids.

Then I got married, and my entire attitude changed. Suddenly I had this intense desire to be pregnant. I didn't really think about the time AFTER the baby arrived; I just wanted to have a little one growing inside of me. God granted that desire, and fifteen months after we got married David and I had our first child: a girl. Obviously we were elated. A new baby seems to complete your family in a way that you didn't even realize you weren't whole in. I loved my little Paigey-Wagey (as we called her), and it was such a joy to be at home with her. Pretty soon people started asking, "When will you have another baby?" "I don't know." I responded. But In reality I didn't want to have another child. I liked just having one. As such David and I made the decision for me to start taking birth control pills.

I had been taking those pills for over a year when I learned exactly what they do to prevent pregnancy--they abort a fertilized egg. Fertilized egg=baby. I couldn't continue taking the pills when I knew that. Plus God had been working in me to change my attitude about His sovereignty over our lives concerning how many children we should have. David and I talked it over, and we decided I'd stop taking the pills right away, and we'd let God dictate when and if we'd have more children from that moment forth. Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant.

I was not at all happy about discovering my pregnancy. Yes, I wanted God to be sovereign over my life. Yes, I wanted Him to determine how many children we'd have. But right away? I got pregnant right away? It just seemed so unfair. I was mostly upset because I knew how awful being pregnant was, and delivering a baby is no picnic. I didn't want to do any of it all over again.

Thankfully, God used His Scripture arranged in a wonderful book from John MacArthur titled "Safe in the Arms of God" to change my attitude once again. He helped me to see that children are a blessing from Him, and that they are precious. Psalm 127:3 says, "Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward." I needed to learn that God was giving us this new child as a GIFT. Should we reject or grumble at a gift from God?! No! It shames me to even think that I wrestled with feelings of not wanting that baby. But through God's amazing grace I was able to rejoice over my little one instead.

Fast forward a few months and our second child was born--Emily, another girl. Afterwards the comments and questions we were asked sounded like this, "Oh. You have two girls. Are you going to try for a boy?" I personally thought along the same lines. We have two girls now. A son for David would complete our family. When Emily was just over a year old we found ourselves pregnant again. No grumbling or complaining this time by me. After all this was our third child, and who knew? It could be a boy. Then we could be done having children. Providence dictated that this was indeed going to be a boy for us. David and I both relished the idea of having a son. And like I said, we would have three children. And everybody knows that three children is the perfect number. I started prayerfully considering not having anymore children after our son was born.

Well, Providence also dictated that this pregnancy was going to be a rough one for me. Each pregnancy brought with it increased morning sickness, and I also had leg pain for the last three months of my pregnancy with my son. I was so thankful then when I went into labor 10 days early. Unfortunately though my baby was a big boy, and he got stuck while trying to be born. Delivering a child "naturally", one who was about 9 pounds, and one whose shoulders had been lodged in my birth canal solidified what had been brewing in my mind: I didn't want to have anymore children. But there was plenty of time to make a decision regarding our future. For now, we praised God and welcomed Luke into the world. I remember Luke felt so heavy when the nurses laid him on my chest for the first time. And I'll never forget the first words I said to him; words spoken through joyous tears, "You almost killed me." ☺

We brought Luke home, and instantly our family felt full. I quickly started feeling a special bond with him; a love that I knew was different from the love I felt for my daughters. I could only explain it as the bond between a mother and her son. It was truly wonderful to have a boy. But coupled with the joy was also worry. Each month brought with it anxiety for me over becoming pregnant again. I absolutely did not want to endure another pregnancy like Luke's. And now we had a child of each gender; why should we continue to have more children? I brought up the idea to David about making a permanent decision regarding future children: I wanted him to have a vasectomy.

With such a weighty decision before us we sought advice from others who had made the decision themselves. Some people thought it was only natural for us to want to stop having children, and vasectomies are the standard way to prevent future children among married couples. Others encouraged us not to do it: It's too permanent, they regretted not allowing God's sovereignty over their lives in that area, and what if something should happen to one of your children? I always responded to the last question with, "If something were to happen I would never want to replace my child. You can't replace them."

I prayed about the issue extensively, and I always came back to the same conclusion: I didn't want to be pregnant. I persuaded myself that I was "at peace" about my decision. I figured I could make this choice and it would glorify God. The truth was that I wasn't at peace. I knew I was sinning against my conscience by saying no to God's control over our lives. But I didn't care. All I could think about was how I didn't want to be pregnant ever again. So to everyone else who knew we were contemplating the vasectomy I told them I had "prayerfully considered the decision", and we were going to go ahead and have it done. June 24, 2007 David underwent the operation. I was relieved. No more worrying about the horrors of pregnancy or childbirth. I turned my focus instead on the children we already had.

But two months later on August 24 God brought a trial into our lives that would bring to light the consequences of my sinful choice. The dreaded "what if" that other people had mentioned happened: one of our children died, our son Luke.

That August morning when Luke woke up I noticed that he felt warm to the touch. I didn't think too much of it though. I got him dressed, we played a game on the stairs that we did every day, and then we went downstairs to have breakfast. Afterwards the children all played together in the living room while I read a book. Luke kept coming over by me, holding onto his blanket and sucking his thumb. As he did that when he was tired I figured it was time for his morning nap. I took him upstairs at 9:30, which was rather early for a morning nap, but he seemed so tired. I snuggled him in his crib with his green blanket, his teddy bear, and his sippy cup. I pulled the string on his musical bear, and then I left the room. For the next few hours I was up and down from the upstairs several times. It seemed to me that Luke was sleeping a long time, and I wanted to check on him many times. But since he had seemed so tired earlier that morning, and also since he had been fussy the previous days, I continued to let him sleep. He was such a light sleeper too; if you opened his door at all he'd wake up instantly. So naturally I didn't want to go into his room and check on him and prematurely wake him.

While he slept the girls and I watched a movie together. At 11:30 we heard a loud thump from upstairs and what sounded like a cry, but again I didn't go and check on him. The girls and I had lunch which David missed because he had gone car shopping with his dad. David called me at 1:30 and asked me to come to the shop. I told him I would as soon as Luke woke up. David too thought it was unusual that Luke was still sleeping. So I told David that if Luke was still asleep at 2 o'clock I'd go wake him.

Just before 2 o'clock I went upstairs. It was very quiet. I watched the clock, waiting for it to be two. When it became time I went into Luke's room to wake him. I found him lying face down in his crib, uncovered. I immediately started to freak. I frantically called his name and shook him to try and wake him up, but he wouldn't wake up. I pulled him out of the crib and laid him on the floor and tried to perform CPR, but it wasn't working. I ran downstairs and grabbed my phone and dialed 911. I was near hysterical on the phone, trying to urge the operator to send help ASAP. I was in tears by now and just held Luke and prayed for God to save him. I was also saying "no", but mostly I was just pleading with God. I brought Luke downstairs and laid him on the rug by the door while I waited for the paramedics to arrive. I was crying and inconsolable. The paramedics worked on Luke for 15 minutes but to no avail. God had taken him before I even went into his room. When I found him in his crib I knew in my heart right away that he was dead.

All that morning I had been having thoughts of What if Luke doesn't wake up? And this was a thought that had plagued me throughout his entire 15 months of life. When he was a baby I worried about SIDS so much. I don't know why either. But all my worrying and fretting couldn't change that God had decreed that Luke would live for 9 months inside of me and 15 months on this earth. Nor that he would die of SIDS despite being seemingly too old to be affected by that.

I struggled for awhile about whether it was a punishment for our sinful decision two months earlier. But I don't believe God was trying to punish us. Rather it was His loving discipline being exercised. By God's grace and mercy I can now see looking back how it brought about so much spiritual growth in our lives, and I can look on that trial and see God's goodness in it. David and I needed to learn that God has sovereignty over ALL areas of our life, not just the ones that we think we're 'allowing' Him to control. We needed to learn to trust Him more and lean completely and utterly upon Him and not try to live our lives apart from Him, getting by on our own. We needed to learn to pray more. I personally needed to learn to show my daughters how much I loved them; not just tell them but show them in my actions. I needed to learn that every woman sacrifices and endures hardship during childbirth, not just me. I needed to learn to get the focus off of me and put it on God instead. And of course we needed to learn that God is the one who opens and closes the womb, not man. God wisely knew that it would take an event that shook our faith in order for us to learn those things.

A day after Luke died we were approached with an opportunity to have David's vasectomy reversed. Providentially the people who made us the offer were the same ones who told us not to get the vasectomy done in the first place. But God had moved in their hearts to want to help us. We whole-heartedly said "yes", we wanted it reversed. Through God's blessing from these wonderful people we were able to get the reversal done, and in early January we found out that the reversal worked: I was pregnant for the 4th time. Sadly that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. But a few months after that I was pregnant again. This time the baby grew to full term, and we welcomed another child--another girl, Abigail--in December of 2008. Praise God, we've now had 5 children.

Admittedly being pregnant with Abigail was tough. I was far sicker than any other time, and I had agonizing pain again. But with advances in medicine women are now able to have a virtually pain-free labor experience if they so choose (which I did), and there are also medicines one can take to help with sickness. I'm never going to like being pregnant, but with God's help I CAN have a godly heart attitude while I'm enduring it. I still struggle with thoughts of "I don't want to have loads of kids." But as my father-in-law reminded me just today, "God knows what you need and your desires." If God wants us to have enough children to warrant the need of a different kitchen table then so be it. (Our current table seats 6.) But if He has planned that this is all the children we're to have then I pray I'd be thankful for that too.

I encourage you to prayerfully consider this issue in your life. Do you struggle with wondering how many children you will/should have? Do you recognize that God is the one who opens and closes the womb? Are you allowing God to have sovereignty over all areas in your life, not just the ones that suit you? If you've ever contemplated a vasectomy or know someone else who is thinking of it please let me urge you not to do it and to dissuade others.

Please pray for our family. Pray for His continued mercy upon us. Pray that we'd continue to seek the Father's will in our lives. Pray that the Spirit would continue to work in us to help us trust in God's sovereignty. Pray that we'd be thankful in all things and that we'd have joy in the midst of trials. Pray that our focus would be on Him and that we'd bring Him glory.